Random thoughts

I've been meaning to write a post for a long time now. Rule number one of having a blog is to write your thoughts on the spot otherwise feelings lose importance. I can hardly remember my feelings of the 17th of june. I felt disoriented and awful. It was the last day of exams and my second anniversary. The exam went so bad that there was no chance of celebrating such anniversary, eventhough they have no connection whatsoever.

I remember I cried a lot. I was in despair. I cried so much that my face acquired a weird look by mid-afternoon. No chance of going out looking like that! The reasons of being so dissapointed were many. The exam was just the final push that triggered the emotional explotion. I felt dissapointed of myself and what is worse, I dissapointed my family. I felt I took a step backward. My achievements were then offset by my final mistake.

I attend a fine university. I've been accepted to pursue a higher degree here. I have also been accepted to pursue a doctorates in SS. Another fine university within my area of studies. Life cannot be that bad, can it? Instead of complaining I should be getting drunk and celebrating I'm alive and mentally sane (ironically thanks to a cocktail of medicaments I take on a daily basis). But I'm dying inside for not being able to comply with a simple exam and show this people my truly potential. My future depend on this exam. If I fail both of my 'fine' options are no longer real. My life will take a rather different path. I don't even know how to start planning in case of failure. It's funny how three hours can change your perspective and lifepath. It happened to me. I'm still in shock.

On the top of that I began wondering if I'm able to make people happy. I don't only dissapoint my beloved ones but I also make their lives miserable! yeah... on the shortness of life I've made so many mistakes that to a regular person it'd take a lifetime to make then... to mem it was a matter of two years... i came to this stuck-in-time place, where people live in a buble and out of reality, I managed to confront my worst fears and lonelyness. And now I'm about to confront a painful sepparation...

People say that is better to be alone that with someone who does no good to you or simply hurt you. They might be right. But the decision is a rather difficult one. The positive-negative balance is time-specific (just as posts are!). The time passes and it seems that resilience is prone to thriumph.... don't mean to cry over spilled milk (as I usually said), but letting some feeling out before they burst my sould completely....