Openning and closing doors...

Wondering about people's nature I started to question my capability of 'letting go.' From former posts it was evident that I'm a person incapable to confront change. But this goes beyond liking or disliking. This is about exerting agency and being able to do it. The most banal circumstances showed me that I have severe problems in deciding... if I find two-of-a-kind dresses but in different colours, I get them both! eat salad or pizza??.... wow! that's a tough one!!

And what happens in more important realms of my life? well, for that I have people making choices for me. Staying or leaving? studying or quiting? let go or stay attached? my beloved ones decide these things for me; they protect me. I admire pleople who are able to make choices. Not only are they mature enough to face the consequences but also brave to deal with the uncertainty of the feared future. Because life is that... a constant pressure to decide on important facts. My friend F and I associate this behaviour as closing doors, meaning the capability to let go things you would like to retain forever.

Unfortunately (or fortunately?) the world does not work that way. One cannot have everything (as much as we would like to) and hence we get to decide.... as an economist I would play my scarce-resource card, but at this point I'm not even sure how rational individuals can be... and suddenly my models are destroyed. The good thing is, however, that as much as it is difficult to close a door (forever) another one will open automatically and that will represent a challenge and a world full of new things to discover.

Then again, I'm not the right person to talk about this... I experience both satisfaction and frustantion through decisions other people make for me. Convenient in the sense that I'm no longer responsible for the outcomes, but extremely self-destructing... But don't mean to cry over spilled milk, I created this situation: people openning and closing my doors, and sometimes without even asking if I needed help...

the beginning of the end...

So many things going on now. I can't believe exams are so close and yet I can't manage to revise a single topic... I've been focusing on applying for PhDs and funding... in a shallow and scattered search for a future that don't know if I want. Seventeenth of June... that's the big day. Not only is the day when I take my last final exam, but also is my anniversary. The party is unavoidable!!

Next week is also my birthday. But honestly I have so many other things is mind that I can't think of anything better than staying in bed and watch a film... impossible of course provided that the very same day I have a tutorial and I need to revise for exams... I you want my opinion, birthdays suck!

Next week I also move to a new house. There are two feelings attach to it. First, a sense of sadness; afterall I'll be leaving the people I've been sharing my life with. We've had good and bad moments together, we've shared precious times together; to me that's a family! Second, I have an excited and thrilled feeling 'cause I'll be living with my dearest friend F. We know each other pretty well and after stating 100 times that we kindda lived together before, now we'll literaly do it... I just hope that F and F don't kill each other in the first week. Or shall I be concerned about me?

Too many changes for my small-scope will to make change. I hate change, I have always hated it! I love to have a monotonous life. I take the same route to classes, I love getting attach to something and never let go. And when I say this, I'm not only refereing to the fact that I'll be moving out of my house, but also to the whole change that is coming after I finish this programme. I have no idea what to do with my life. I don't know where I'll be, if working or studying, if unemployed or earning lots of money (dreaming is not forbidden, is it?). But I feel it coming and is affecting me in a great deal. I feel it coming and it hurts... people I won't see, places I won't go; it just doesn't feel right...

Yes, the countdown has just begun...