Random thoughts

I've been meaning to write a post for a long time now. Rule number one of having a blog is to write your thoughts on the spot otherwise feelings lose importance. I can hardly remember my feelings of the 17th of june. I felt disoriented and awful. It was the last day of exams and my second anniversary. The exam went so bad that there was no chance of celebrating such anniversary, eventhough they have no connection whatsoever.

I remember I cried a lot. I was in despair. I cried so much that my face acquired a weird look by mid-afternoon. No chance of going out looking like that! The reasons of being so dissapointed were many. The exam was just the final push that triggered the emotional explotion. I felt dissapointed of myself and what is worse, I dissapointed my family. I felt I took a step backward. My achievements were then offset by my final mistake.

I attend a fine university. I've been accepted to pursue a higher degree here. I have also been accepted to pursue a doctorates in SS. Another fine university within my area of studies. Life cannot be that bad, can it? Instead of complaining I should be getting drunk and celebrating I'm alive and mentally sane (ironically thanks to a cocktail of medicaments I take on a daily basis). But I'm dying inside for not being able to comply with a simple exam and show this people my truly potential. My future depend on this exam. If I fail both of my 'fine' options are no longer real. My life will take a rather different path. I don't even know how to start planning in case of failure. It's funny how three hours can change your perspective and lifepath. It happened to me. I'm still in shock.

On the top of that I began wondering if I'm able to make people happy. I don't only dissapoint my beloved ones but I also make their lives miserable! yeah... on the shortness of life I've made so many mistakes that to a regular person it'd take a lifetime to make then... to mem it was a matter of two years... i came to this stuck-in-time place, where people live in a buble and out of reality, I managed to confront my worst fears and lonelyness. And now I'm about to confront a painful sepparation...

People say that is better to be alone that with someone who does no good to you or simply hurt you. They might be right. But the decision is a rather difficult one. The positive-negative balance is time-specific (just as posts are!). The time passes and it seems that resilience is prone to thriumph.... don't mean to cry over spilled milk (as I usually said), but letting some feeling out before they burst my sould completely....

Openning and closing doors...

Wondering about people's nature I started to question my capability of 'letting go.' From former posts it was evident that I'm a person incapable to confront change. But this goes beyond liking or disliking. This is about exerting agency and being able to do it. The most banal circumstances showed me that I have severe problems in deciding... if I find two-of-a-kind dresses but in different colours, I get them both! eat salad or pizza??.... wow! that's a tough one!!

And what happens in more important realms of my life? well, for that I have people making choices for me. Staying or leaving? studying or quiting? let go or stay attached? my beloved ones decide these things for me; they protect me. I admire pleople who are able to make choices. Not only are they mature enough to face the consequences but also brave to deal with the uncertainty of the feared future. Because life is that... a constant pressure to decide on important facts. My friend F and I associate this behaviour as closing doors, meaning the capability to let go things you would like to retain forever.

Unfortunately (or fortunately?) the world does not work that way. One cannot have everything (as much as we would like to) and hence we get to decide.... as an economist I would play my scarce-resource card, but at this point I'm not even sure how rational individuals can be... and suddenly my models are destroyed. The good thing is, however, that as much as it is difficult to close a door (forever) another one will open automatically and that will represent a challenge and a world full of new things to discover.

Then again, I'm not the right person to talk about this... I experience both satisfaction and frustantion through decisions other people make for me. Convenient in the sense that I'm no longer responsible for the outcomes, but extremely self-destructing... But don't mean to cry over spilled milk, I created this situation: people openning and closing my doors, and sometimes without even asking if I needed help...

the beginning of the end...

So many things going on now. I can't believe exams are so close and yet I can't manage to revise a single topic... I've been focusing on applying for PhDs and funding... in a shallow and scattered search for a future that don't know if I want. Seventeenth of June... that's the big day. Not only is the day when I take my last final exam, but also is my anniversary. The party is unavoidable!!

Next week is also my birthday. But honestly I have so many other things is mind that I can't think of anything better than staying in bed and watch a film... impossible of course provided that the very same day I have a tutorial and I need to revise for exams... I you want my opinion, birthdays suck!

Next week I also move to a new house. There are two feelings attach to it. First, a sense of sadness; afterall I'll be leaving the people I've been sharing my life with. We've had good and bad moments together, we've shared precious times together; to me that's a family! Second, I have an excited and thrilled feeling 'cause I'll be living with my dearest friend F. We know each other pretty well and after stating 100 times that we kindda lived together before, now we'll literaly do it... I just hope that F and F don't kill each other in the first week. Or shall I be concerned about me?

Too many changes for my small-scope will to make change. I hate change, I have always hated it! I love to have a monotonous life. I take the same route to classes, I love getting attach to something and never let go. And when I say this, I'm not only refereing to the fact that I'll be moving out of my house, but also to the whole change that is coming after I finish this programme. I have no idea what to do with my life. I don't know where I'll be, if working or studying, if unemployed or earning lots of money (dreaming is not forbidden, is it?). But I feel it coming and is affecting me in a great deal. I feel it coming and it hurts... people I won't see, places I won't go; it just doesn't feel right...

Yes, the countdown has just begun...

A Whining Easter Post!

Although I don't celebrate it I feel weird working on such a reknown Hollyday. It's almost a month before thesis is due. I have less than half of it and no incetives to finish anytime soon. It seems that deadlines don't apply to my psicological state anymore. I just work and work and try to make some sense out of the information I got. Yes, this is a whining post! I feel with no direction at this point. But what the hell, it's Easter!! I have no idea what to do besides eating chocolate eggs (mmm), but I think that this could be a good time to start praying for some kinnda miracle as well!

HAPPY EASTER TO EVERYONE!

The Object of my Obsession

I just read someone revealing to the world going through circular and daily routines of life and the passive await to craziness. Suddenly it hit me!! I should declare myself a nutty-gonna-be and scream to the world my deepest secrets and fears… well, maybe not all of them…

I’ve suffering of a shallow but prolonged depression. I hide it quite well I believe. The uncertainty of future is killing me and the pain is so acute that it prevents me for working on my present. Days pass so fast and the smile on my face is hard to break. I’m medicated ‘against depression’ and the drugs seem to be insufficient to fight this battle against stress… and you might be asking yourselves, what is it that is driving this girl crazy?? Well, in brief, is the object of my obsession, and that is my ultimately feeling of controlling my present and my future; knowing what is going to happen; knowing if I’ll be achieving my goals; knowing if I’ll be successful; knowing if I’ll get through this year healthy, happy and satisfied with my life; and ultimately knowing that I have jumped to a superior personal and academic stage where there is more to be done when I’m done here.

At some point I thought that the object of my obsession was in contradiction with my blog title. Facing the shortness of life, however, doesn’t mean that dire thoughts are forbidden. It means that we can get ‘stuck in a moment,’ maybe a hundred of them… It means that on the shortness of life we can’t leave out feelings of all sorts… anger, desolation, loneliness, failure, desperation… It means we have to deal with them… It means we’ll end up ‘standing up straight and carrying our own weight.’ So nice to say it, repeat it and write it, no?… I wish it was that simple… I’m still trying to figure out how to do it… and with your permission I’ll keep on working to find the answer…

And so it seems that the object of my obsession is the object of my depression… Sad? Normal? I have no idea… but let’s be cautious when ‘choosing’ an obsession… I guess I chose a hard one… Now I’m just wondering if throughout my life I’ve managed to leave out simple things that would make me happier… things I didn’t consider important before, even worse, things that I dismissed in purpose for I despised them… awful truths!! And for this I’m bearing my burden… the object of my obsession…