The Object of my Obsession

I just read someone revealing to the world going through circular and daily routines of life and the passive await to craziness. Suddenly it hit me!! I should declare myself a nutty-gonna-be and scream to the world my deepest secrets and fears… well, maybe not all of them…

I’ve suffering of a shallow but prolonged depression. I hide it quite well I believe. The uncertainty of future is killing me and the pain is so acute that it prevents me for working on my present. Days pass so fast and the smile on my face is hard to break. I’m medicated ‘against depression’ and the drugs seem to be insufficient to fight this battle against stress… and you might be asking yourselves, what is it that is driving this girl crazy?? Well, in brief, is the object of my obsession, and that is my ultimately feeling of controlling my present and my future; knowing what is going to happen; knowing if I’ll be achieving my goals; knowing if I’ll be successful; knowing if I’ll get through this year healthy, happy and satisfied with my life; and ultimately knowing that I have jumped to a superior personal and academic stage where there is more to be done when I’m done here.

At some point I thought that the object of my obsession was in contradiction with my blog title. Facing the shortness of life, however, doesn’t mean that dire thoughts are forbidden. It means that we can get ‘stuck in a moment,’ maybe a hundred of them… It means that on the shortness of life we can’t leave out feelings of all sorts… anger, desolation, loneliness, failure, desperation… It means we have to deal with them… It means we’ll end up ‘standing up straight and carrying our own weight.’ So nice to say it, repeat it and write it, no?… I wish it was that simple… I’m still trying to figure out how to do it… and with your permission I’ll keep on working to find the answer…

And so it seems that the object of my obsession is the object of my depression… Sad? Normal? I have no idea… but let’s be cautious when ‘choosing’ an obsession… I guess I chose a hard one… Now I’m just wondering if throughout my life I’ve managed to leave out simple things that would make me happier… things I didn’t consider important before, even worse, things that I dismissed in purpose for I despised them… awful truths!! And for this I’m bearing my burden… the object of my obsession…